Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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