She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
