I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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