my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
