I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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