new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
