He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
