You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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