Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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