We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
