She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
