I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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