my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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