so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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