i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
