my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
