see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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