it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
