i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
