i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
