please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
