dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
How's work?
Spinning.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
