I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
