idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
