He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
