oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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