dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
