even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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