I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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