apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
