Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
