I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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