I haven't been this sober since birth.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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