You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
