I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
