I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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