I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
