"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
