1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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