I heard we made out
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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