If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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