I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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