and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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