she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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