He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
