Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
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