I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
