Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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