I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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