Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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