Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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